Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
