How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
