I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
