Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
