wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
