dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
