My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
