My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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