Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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