I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
