the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
