The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
