I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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