Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
