i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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