just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
