So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
