That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
