omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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