i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
