he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
