how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
