I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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