I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Fuck appropriateness.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
