I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
