Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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