goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
