And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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