Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
