my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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