I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
