This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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