Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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