Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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