Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
