Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
