im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Also, beer. Big fan.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
