Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
