Michael Bay diarrhea
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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