I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
