I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Randomize
