Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
