I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
