I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize