I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
