He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
