Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
