grandma shit on top of the toilet
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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