Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
