We're like a lot better than the average bears
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
