Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
thus making me awesome and them whores
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
