Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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