I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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