Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
