Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So many bounce houses so little time
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
