you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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