Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize